The TSA’s ‘grope-a-dope’ strategy

I’ve earned the right to be a little bit amused by the national uproar over airport body scans and pat downs by security officers.

As a wheelchair passenger who can’t go through metal detectors or x-ray scanners, I’ve been subjected to extreme pat downs ever since 9/11.

I won’t go into the sordid details, but let’s just say it’s always ended with some hairy guy assuring me that he’ll be touching my private parts with only the back of his hands — as if that makes all the difference.

(I know, the TSA guy probably goes home and tells his wife, “You should have seen the hairy guy in a wheelchair I had to feel up today.”)

Anyway, the TSA folks are now in a snit because many travelers are opting for pat downs to avoid going through new full-body scanners that essentially take naked pictures of them.

To discourage people from insisting on the more time-consuming procedure, TSA agents doing pat downs now have authorization to touch private parts with — GASP! — the FRONT of their hands.

As I pondered the implications, I received an e-mail offering me an interview with Trends Journal publisher Gerald Celente, who sees a way to a “happy ending” in all of this.

I’m going to pass on the interview, but here’s what the press release said:

The “Celente Solution”

Just as the Government invariably gets everything else wrong, its grope-the-public strategy is upside-down and inside-out, contends Celente.

“As a strictly heterosexual, if I’m going to get groped in an airport – be it in public or private – I want to be groped by a gal. Period! And, ideally, I would like to choose my groper. Does the TSA have a ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy,” he asks? “What twisted TSA/government bureaucrat put in place this guy-gropes-guy policy?” . . .

Celente readily acknowledges that his “solution” is male-oriented. “I’m speaking only for myself and on behalf my guy friends,” said Celente, “not for women. They’ll have to find their own solution.”

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6 Comments on “The TSA’s ‘grope-a-dope’ strategy”

  1. Earl of Sandwich Says:

    I don’t know. Being groped by a gal may actually cause “concealed weapons” to be discovered that weren’t there a minute ago.

  2. Richard Gozinya Says:

    What? Guys groping guys? Surely we can inject Jesus into this discussion!

  3. For 444 Says:

    TSA same-sex groping violates the sanctity of marriage.

  4. Michael Says:

    Pro: I have numerous times asked TSAs why they don’t just use Dogs to sniff out chemicals, explosives and other contraband. I am sure this would eliminate hassles of pat downs that go beyond the call of duty.
    Con: I guess this may not work too, travelers will get smart and put a steak in their pants.
    Dogs I still think would offer alot more privacy especially to those who are disabled and prove not a security threat without being humiliated. What can a pat down find unless objects are on the outside? What if hidden in cavities? What next? Women would be a target.

    What would happen if a traveler wore a baseball cup? Can you imagine someone requesting a strip down then a pat down at the same time? What about Cruise Ships? Interisland Ferries? No security TSAs.

    What happened to TSA when they let a Young man dressed up as old man on board the plane? He entered old but came out a young man? Pat downs did not catch this. I see a lot of fault that should have been stopped at the Checkin Counter by Airline Agents.
    I am sure if the Checkin Agents checked the mans ID, he would have been caught there at the counter.

  5. Carolyn Martinez Golojuch, MSW Says:

    This is a laugh! Why if security is so important, don’t we have the puff technology to be done with it. I’ve seen how discriminatory this security nonsense is when we were leaving Nashville airport, Mike had to take apart everything in his computer case and they went after the search as if he were a grade A+++ terrorist while a man with a fishing pole sans case was allowed to sail right through the line. Guess it never occurred to them that a fishing rod couldn’t be used as a sword or other dangerous implement. And the shoeless thing is another laugh. All this is a joke. The security at the Statute of Liberty used the puff technology years ago and avoided any of this pat down, x-ray nonsense. Since we are so safe, let’s keep it that way. I don’t want to see myself naked on any screen unless there’s money involved and if I don’t get a job soon, I may think this pat down for pay is something worth looking into as long as I’m the one on the receiving end of the $$$. Neither do I want to see anyone else on the naked e-ray screen! Otherwise, this is all just another hair brained scheme. If we remain silent, they will just think of something more invasive in the not too distant future.

  6. Michael Says:

    If one is trained in the Martial Arts, anything can be used as a weapon. A pen, the stem of my eyeglasses, a bobby pin. You name it, the list can go on and on. Keys can be used as a weapon. Fingers in someones eyes will blind the person. Are they going to confiscate all little items?


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